Surrender's Aftermath
by WallofIllusion
Summary: Malik is very very depressed after surrendering to the Pharaoh and fulfilling his duty. Takes place a few hours after Battle City ends.


**Surrender's Aftermath**

Malik lie on the bed of his hotel room. He was keeping his mind as blank as possible. No thinking. No feeling. It was easier that way.

Then he heard the door of his room open. "Malik-sama…?"

Rishid. Slowly, Malik turned his head to look at his friend. Rishid was looking back at him sympathetically, understandingly, and all the feelings Malik had been fighting to keep away suddenly flooded him. "Rishid," he said in a voice suddenly choked with sobs. "Rishid, I—" And then he it was too much of an effort to hold off tears. Malik bit his lip, burying his head in the pillows, praying the tears would stop.

The bed shifted as Rishid sat down on it. Malik knew that Rishid had come in to give him someone to talk to, and he did want to talk to someone. But the words pushing to come out slowed and seemed to lose their meaning before they reached his mouth. Finally, he spoke.

"I told him that I didn't mind if I was destroyed," he said quietly. "That was a lie." When Rishid didn't say anything, Malik continued, "I wanted to be destroyed. I didn't know why he tried so hard to save me, it didn't make any sense. And… to be trapped in the darkness… made perfect sense. Defeat of my other self… and punishment for my sins. It would have been perfect."

"But Malik-sama, it was not perfect. There was a flaw in that outcome," Rishid said gently.

Malik nodded again, half-heartedly. "I wouldn't have been able… to show him his memories," he said slowly, unenthusiastically. Then he snorted softly, sensing irony. "And that… for me… made it even more into the perfect outcome." A fresh flow of tears hindered his ability to speak for a moment. When he regained control of his voice, he mumbled, "Rishid, I really didn't want to show him."

"I know, Malik-sama. But it was the right thing to do…"

"I DON'T _CARE_!" Malik interrupted, shouting through his tears. "I—DON'T—CARE! I didn't want to do that. I know it was the right thing to do. I know I should be relieved that I ended our destiny, 'cause that's what I wanted, isn't it? But I'm _not_ relieved." He scowled into his pillow, bitterness twisting his face. "Rishid, why does doing the right thing _hurt_ so much?"

"That is often the way of the world, Malik-sama," Rishid replied quietly.

"It's stupid." The afternoon's events flashed through Malik's mind. He shuddered as he remembered the helplessness and shame he had felt in showing the Pharaoh the carvings on his back. "I could feel his eyes," he said thickly. "I could feel him scouring my back for his _precious memories_." Malik could feel malice and sarcasm creeping into his voice, and he made himself push the familiar emotions away. Then he sighed tremblingly. "I hated doing that, Rishid. Showing him. Letting him win. Letting him…have control over me. I still wish that… I had been trapped in the darkness."

"You shouldn't wish that, Malik-sama."

The two were silent for a minute. Then Malik said, "Isis is so happy."

"Yes," Rishid agreed. "She is pleased that we are a family again, instead of enemies."

"She's glad I'm _better_," Malik pointed out resentfully. "But this isn't better. I'm not who she wants to see, Rishid, she wants to see me how I was before. I can't be like this around her. It would hurt her."

"Would you rather lie to her, Malik-sama?"

"I don't want to hurt her more than I already have. If that means concealing my emotions so she sees someone she can trust again, then yes, I would rather lie." Malik thought back to the afternoon again. In his memory, he heard the clear, declaring voice of his sister, sounding happier than he had ever heard her before. "She was so… _proud_ of me."

"I am also proud of you, Malik-sama. You acted very bravely today."

"Bravely! Surrendering is bravery now? Giving up is bravery? Well, that makes life a lot easier."

"Malik-sama, your surrender did require a great deal of courage. In this case, fighting on would have been selfish and cowardly."

"I wanted to keep dueling." _Yuugi… I still have one life point left. Our duel isn't over._ "I wanted to lose on my own terms. But I was so ashamed that I tried to keep fighting, even as I spoke that challenge. I knew I shouldn't… but I could barely control my thoughts, let alone my words. …I don't know why you and Isis are so proud of me. I'm certainly not proud of myself." How could he be? Just giving up after five years of fighting was far from painless.

"Malik-sama, I think the reason you are not proud of yourself is this: for five years, your idea of victory has been the opposite of what you did today. Only within the past day has that idea been challenged. Rising to face that challenge so soon after you discovered it required a tremendous amount of self-control. You have every reason to be proud of what you did today."

"Giving up isn't something to be proud of," Malik insisted. "I didn't want to do that and I still wish I hadn't had to."

"So you truly would rather be trapped in darkness?"

Malik lay silently for a second, and then said softly, "If I had been destroyed… I wouldn't have to feel like this, helpless and angry… and so guilty!" He paused again. "Rishid, I think this… this is my punishment. Having to live on and feel this way."

"Malik-sama… perhaps this is a second chance for you—a chance for you to redeem yourself and change your heart. You should accept that chance."

Malik thought about that for a moment, then frowned. "A chance to change my heart? You mean a chance to become a servant." Bitterness snuck into his mind, and he reluctantly forced it out. "I don't want to serve him," he said plainly. "I hate him. It's not a statement of feeling, it's a fact. And there's nothing I can do about it."

"You must do something about it, Malik-sama. You must change your heart so that you can accept your place. You know now that the Pharaoh did not kill your father. The only hatred you still have for him lies in your unwillingness to change how you feel."

A long pause. Then Malik sighed. "You're right. Of course you're right. But… it isn't possible. There's no way I can change from the person I've been for five years back into a servant."

"Then that is truly what you want?" Rishid asked him. "To change?"

Malik stared pensively into his pillow. Did he want to change? He thought of all the hatred he'd held inside of him for the past five years, of how he'd transformed over that time, abandoning his innocence, in order to become what he was now. Could he change back? And did he want to?

"Malik-sama…?"

"Yes," Malik whispered. "I want to change. I… I can never be who I was before I left home. But I want to try."

"Then you will find a way."

Slowly, Malik nodded his agreement. "Yes." He would find a way.


End file.
